Sorry for the lapse in postings. I was shocked to log on and see my last blog publication was February 2, very nearly a full month ago. I would like to say that there is a very good, noble reason for this, that I have been in Africa feeding orphans or something, but that isn't true. The truth is: I've been obsessed. With what, you might ask? With running, I would reply.
Have I mentioned I'm an addict? I believe it has come up a time or two. Well, as any good alcoholic or drug addict will tell you, you are never really healed from addiction. You are just in recovery. As such, you are liable to latch on to anything at any time and become completely absorbed by it. It will be what you go to bed thinking about and the first thought on your mind in the morning. It could be a substance, a person, religion (yes, religion, not to be confused with God Himself), a computer game, whatever. We are like pit bulls when it comes to this stuff... we latch on and may never let go.
So lately for me it has been fitness. I have become obsessed with the idea of being fit again. It is not my first go round with this particular obsession. Before my babies were born, I was on a fitness kick too. In those days all that you were likely to find in my refrigerator were super-foods, protein shakes and vodka. Yes, I am well aware that vodka is not healthy and I was aware then too. Alcoholics are not rational beings. I would awaken while it was still dark outside, hung over from the night before but bound and determine to lace up my running shoes and knock out three miles or so. I drank flax oil, straight, by day and scotch, neat, by night. I was thin as a rail, strong as a horse, and sick, sick, sick.
In the past I have used the memory of how selfish and sick I was in my running days to avoid exercise. I would tell myself that it was better if I carried the baby weight forever rather than going back to that mindset. But I was avoiding the fact that it's not an "either/or" proposition. That perhaps I could be healthy, inside and out. God began awakening me to this idea a few months ago and sometime around about February 2nd, I latched onto it.
God has been talking to me a lot about seasons. That just like that famous portion of Ecclesiastes there really is a time for every purpose under heaven. (And, yes, I have a The Byrds song in my head now.) My first season of motherhood was a marathon of faith, taking care of my wonderful sick little Eddie. In so many ways, that was a mountaintop time for me. I knew who I was, who my God was, and what my purpose was with crystal clarity. After Eddie was gone, I mostly just felt like I was going through the motions, all of my energy focused on being a good mommy to my two little ones, hardly even taking the time to pray. God assures me this is okay... He was healing me emotionally. After that I went through a season where I spent every precious moment I could with Him but also ate copious amounts of chocolate and ran only when chased. This too is okay... I was building up spiritually. So now He has placed the desire on my heart to get my body in the same shape as my spirit, to look as strong on the outside as I feel on the inside, and I'm a little excited about that. Okay, I'm a lot excited.
Because I'm not running alone anymore. Not only are my kids usually along for a ride in the double jogger, but I'm talking to my Savior with every step that I take. I'm praising Him for every milestone and even for the days when I hit a wall, because I know He is keeping me humble. He's blessed me with wonderful enablers... old friends and new who share my current addiction and who are happy to talk about IT bands and fartleks and such without a single eye roll. I'm having so much fun and feel happy, healthy and whole. God is so stinking good I can't stand it.
So I know this season may not last. I know there will be harder days ahead, but I know I'm going to go into them strong, in body, mind, soul and spirit, and that God will see me right on through. So I'm going to enjoy this crazy, obsessive season and pray that God keeps me balanced, that it be more about Him and less about me no matter what. And that He help me run the White Rock half marathon this year. Just half, Lord. And in less than three hours... Amen.